Setting and Communicating Clear and Reasonable Expectations

It is one thing to have expectations, and quite another to weave them into your communication with children. Doing this as a habit will improve their behavior and your peace of mind. Follow these simple steps and you'll find that the melt downs in your family melt away.

What are your expectations?
Anticipate the trouble that lies ahead, and think through what outcomes you really want. You know your children best. Do they act up in situations where grown up behavior is expected? Are they likely to throw a fit if you pass a gift shop at a museum? Define in your own mind what the acceptable limits are - we'll stay for one hour and you'll be able to play your video game when we are back in the car, no complaints or we are not getting a toy today vs. your limit is $5 vs. you can use your birthday money to pick something out.

Now, here's the part we usually skip, communicate those limits to your child
This is a tough one, because we naturally assume that setting out limits will be hard for the child to accept. However, this always works better than setting the limits after the bad behavior or temptation has set in. Set the scene, establish the boundaries you have decided, if there is discussion, consider the child's point of view, and agree on the compromise that makes the most sense for you. If it is not an issue where compromise is welcomed, state that up front. You don't have to set a reward for good behavior, you should clearly expect good behavior no matter what.

Did you get good behavior?
If yes, pour out the praise (and let me know too!)and find a simple way to do something considerate for your child. It doesn't have to be fancy or overt, just do them a favor the next time it comes up. This subtly reinforces the value you are trying to teach - being wonderful to each other.
If no, well, you may be in an adjustment period. It can take time to reverse years of being pushed around by kids who want what they want when they want it and they may still be mourning that control. Just restate the conversation you had earlier, and let them know that you are disappointed in their behavior. Tell them that you expect them to behave better next time, then repeat this until you have created little angels (this usually happens at about age 25).

House Rules

Setting expectations is one of the most fundamental parenting jobs there is. Parents who don't enforce rules are not showing how much they care about their kids.

I also recommend setting up house rules. Kids love to get involved with this (and they love catching you in the act of breaking the rules). Normally, putting house or family rules in place can provide a touchstone for the period conversations about expectations for grades, behavior, hygiene, spending money, cleaning up a room, chores, etc.

Set those expectations today and let me know how it works for you.

I Have Expectations Too! Go Back to Top Ten Tips to Read More, Please.

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