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Behavior challenge: Set Clear Roles and Discipline for Children to Improve BehaviorGot behavior problems? Establishing clear parent and child roles in a family, and a predictable and consistent system of discipline for children, will improve your family life dramatically.Your family is on a journey to good behavior Of course, you can't go on a highway without rules, and you know who sets them and who enforces them. These clear roles and the system of rules they have created keeps everyone safe, reduces confusion, and creates a certain level of predictability. You know, with reasonably few exceptions, what driving behaviors others on the road are likely to do when you encounter them. So, you feel safe on your journey. Your family is an emerging system of players that need to know how to interact with each other. Parent and child roles need time to form and evolve. Each new child brings a special dimension or twist to the landscape. Every person in your family needs to understand that they truly belong to your special unit and exactly what role they play during the different stages of their lives. This is intertwined with setting a standard for good behavior and having an effective method of discipline for children. Children will test your authority from an early age (especially precocious 3 year olds and 4 year olds) and you need to be prepared with a firm, intentional, confident-but-caring response that lets them know you are the one calling the shots. Having a clear roadmap for your approach to provide structure and discipline for children is essential. You need to make it clear that you are setting rules for their safety and to help them grow into happy, healthy people who are ready to survive in the outside world and assume parent and child roles with their own families. There are several other common parenting pitfalls to avoid. Giving Too Many Choices "Do you want to go to the doctor now?" That is not a choice that your child gets to make. Health is on the line, and you've probably made an appointment. If you don't want a screaming fit when your child chooses not to do something they have to do, don't make it a choice. Just say politely and firmly - "We are leaving for the doctor's office in three minutes. Please put on your shoes and jacket." Reinforcing bad behavior Shake off this one right now. Do not make a move until your little darling uses a "smiley voice" and asks politely for a treat. Dutifully insist on magic words, please and thank you, before and after receiving something from someone else. Eventually you will be blessed with a grateful, sweet, thoughtful child. And others will be muy impressed with your parenting. Trust me. Help! I can't say no! Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my son was completely oblivious. The only thing he wanted the first few times was me! Once he was old enough to figure out the guilt-gift-for-travel system, though, he would attack me in the doorway, patting me down for bulges that might be toys. (If you've never been frisked by a toddler, I don't recommend falling into the same trap.) I could have been a total stranger! Don't rob your kids of their capacity to appreciate you, rather than the things that your money can buy. The Solution? In this case, discipline for children is born out of financial discipline for parents! Find inexpensive ways to teach them about where you've been. After a while, I wised up and brought home free maps or postcards, and showed them where I was on their toy globe. When traveling as a family, a great $0.51 memory is the pressed penny. Stick a penny and two quarters in the machine and get a flattened piece of copper with a scene from the attraction pressed into it. The kids love to collect them, they don't take up storage space, and they are much cheaper than anything else in a gift shop. Take a picture, use video conferencing from your hotel room, record a book that they can listen to while you are away. Give a token of your love that you won't have to pay off in 25 days. No System of Discipline for Children Now, there's a lot of debate out there about what appropriate discipline is, and let's be clear that no child should be hurt in the process. Children should not be in a position where they are struggling to reconcile their desire to be loved by you with the fear of being struck or ridiculed by you. Some parents get stuck in this rut and they feel that they don't know any better. Most likely, this is the way they were treated, so it feels consistent. But this is a pattern that has to stop. There are so many other ways to improve behavior that other options will feel so wrong. (You will know when it is time to throttle back and adjust your approach. If this happens, I beg you to summon the courage to speak to your spouse or a trusted family member for support and time to reflect. You can also contact a counselor or member of the clergy to give you the help and support that you need to be a great parent.) Differences in approach may also impact relationships with your co-parent and other caretakers in the house, so it is critical that you all get on the same page, pick an approach and stick with it. It may be hard at first, particularly if you are dealing with a resistant child who has been given free reign in the past, but the outcomes are worth it. Try these techniques until you find the combination that works best for your family. Always state your expectations and give a warning of the consequences for repeating an action. Once the action has been done again, execute the consequence:
Spend time after the discipline has been applied to talk through the impact of the behavior, and to describe the behavior you expect next time. Don't forget to forgive your child and reinforce that you love them (but don't like how they have acted). Above all else, stay calm, cool and collected. And now, you are the Power Parent. Congratulations on taking the time to boost your effectiveness as a parent. Don't you feel better now? Feeling confident about parent and child roles and discipline for children? Let's go back to Top Ten Tips.
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